– Government approved advertising media

Hi! I’m a normal person – just like you!

The world is a cold hard place and you are going to die and nobody will care. We all tell ourselves that our lives are important and that the things we say and do make a difference, but they really don’t. Once you are dead it will be as if you never existed.

Scary isn’t it?

That’s where Facebook comes in.

Founded by Mark Zuckerberg in 2004, Facebook is an online social networking service with 1.59 billion monthly active users. Everyone is on Facebook! In fact, Facebook is so big that according to Greenpeace, Facebook data centres consume 2% of all global electricity! Most of this power comes from burning boring old plants called coal. Registration is easy and once you’ve signed up, you can create your own personal profile and add other humans as “friends”. You can send messages, share photos and videos or join common interest user groups.

Facebook gives quantifiable meaning to your empty, pointless life.

Facebook user massuve.krimppend1945 had this to say:

“I love Facebook. It makes me feel connected to people. Like, if I post a status update and someone hits the like button – it’s like I have a friend! And if I get two likes then I have like, two friends. And if I were to get like 10 likes, then I know I have value as a human being. And if I get 11 likes then I have even more value as a human being!”

Be all that you can be massuve.krimppend1945! Be all that you can be!

Princess.regalmound10 says:

“SJK<LGEWGNKUHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF>”

Society – the way we used to connect with people – is dead. Human interaction has failed us and the people of the future will look back on the way we lived our lives in bewildered amusement at this strange anachronism.

We no longer need stores or offices or schools. We don’t need food or air. We don’t need forests, we don’t need rivers and we don’t need oceans. And we certainly don’t need the walking disease we once called ‘people’.

All we need is an internet connection.

Facebook takes everything you love about your old life – being accepted and fitting in with a peer group, receiving praise when you do things to please other people, being entertained by government approved advertising media – and makes it digital. That way everything you do can be scrutinised and judged by people you don’t know and objective value can be assigned to your thoughts and actions.

Before I signed up for Facebook, my life was a mess. When I was 17 everyone I know was killed by death. It was so sad that Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata would be playing wherever I went. I had no friends because they were all dead and I couldn’t get a job because the planet was a barren husk.

But now I have a new life.

Every morning I get up at 4am and hike into the mountains. I take off all my clothes and fire a gun into the air three times. When I get home I drink three Mickey Slims to keep the sad music away and spend the rest of the day alone crying and masturbating.

Now I have over 15000 friends on Facebook!

And I wouldn’t have all those Facebook friends without Facebook.

But it’s up to you. You could go outside. You could have the real world. You could have microwave meals and rejection. You could have a job you hate. You could have overdue credit card bills and a crippling mortgage. You could have unending loneliness and infinite boredom. You could have a TV that beams bad news directly into your brain 24 hours a day. You could have poverty and call 15% of the population ‘chronically homeless’. You could have 12 year old girls working as prostitutes on the streets of the world’s richest cities and air that is so polluted that scientists have to invent new scales to measure its toxicity. You could have prescription drug addicts. You could have a massive tax bill. You could have violent crime. You could call the police and they won’t come and if they did they would shoot you on suspicion of being a black man. You could have third world countries drowning in first world excrement. You could have a graduate pour your coffee. You could have institutionalised racism and a corrupt government. You could have Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. You could have Ian Brady and Myra Hindley. You could have organised paedophile rings and human trafficking. You could drop bombs on innocent people in faraway countries and tell them they were asking for it. You could have nations fighting over who has the biggest gun. You could have wars conducted on computer screens and nuclear bombs and collateral damage and kill ratios and mutual assured destruction and total and utter fucking Armageddon.

Or you could join Facebook.

I love Facebook and Facebook loves me. And Facebook will love you too, if you let it.

And you will let it.